Vagina, I'm sorry!

Hmm! When I was a kid, I thought a pregnant woman's baby will eventually be delivered through the anus. I didn't even think it was odd: odd in a sense that the baby will have to fight a shit battle before coming out. I never bothered to ask because I believe strongly in my conviction. I simply thought a baby's head was just too big to come out of the vagina.

The vaginas I used to see as a kid was just a tiny pie of my co-kids and the only use I attribute to it was mainly for urination (micturation). I couldn't appreciate the reality that the vagina grows as we grow too. I felt no matter the size of the vagina, it could at least allow some urine to pass out.

Today, I know better. And I've taken and given all the credit from the anus to the vagina. Now, I know much about the anus particularly the anal sphincter, I know how impossible it's for the anus to attempt child-bearing. The anal sphincter, a mass of firmly contracted muscles that mainly opens under a "squat-push", will undergo irreparable traumatisation if it dares delivery of even a zygote.

The vagina, for a long time was wrongly uncredited because of my ignorance. Eventually, I got to know that babies are delivered through the vagina. And trust me, I was metagrabolised! Well, don't gyrate over my choice of "metagrabolised" over "surprised". We're talking about the almighty vagina and it deserves some perplexing and discombobulating diction.

So, why was I metagrabolised? I still felt the head was too big for a passage through the vagina. But I was absolutely convinced that "doing" a baby is not an anus affairs even though I had no knowledge of the anal sphincter then.

I also thought philosophical. If the whole complex nine-month long story of childbearing started at the vagina, then it won't be a big deal to end at the vagina.

At long last, I had a fine opportunity to confirm that the vagina was the deliverer when my mum was about to "do" one of my sisters. I sat in the room as she turns like a fish in water. She was in labour pains. I sat in the room where the traditional birth attendants (TBAs) struggled with her. Everyone was too busy to have noticed my presence. I buried my head into mum's cupboard searching for nothing. I wanted her to get to the active phase, the time the baby is coming out, before I redirect my eyes to the final showdown.

This opportunity was wasted by my father when he eventually entered the room and ordered me to get out. My dad was no-nonsense man. I vamoosed. But he never followed me out. Well, he was the initiator of the war at climax and I guess he wanted to see what his deeds have troubled an innocent daughter of Eve.

I went out. I knew my dream of seeing with my naked eyes a childbearing process was over. If I wasn't allowed to see mum's whose mum will I be allowed to see. I lost a home match.

Now I know. I've seen the resilient vagina doing it the way she wants. I've witnessed several women delivered in labour theatres. Indeed, the French are right - seeing is believing.

However, it wasn't the motivation for going into nursing. But I will grab any opportunity under any circumstances to become a midwife (midhusband).

Well, some of my friends might know that the baby comes from the vagina. But they might be wondering how the big head comes out.

It's simple. In the active phase of labour, the baby's head, in 96% cases, descends into the pelvis of the mother. Pelvis is a "ring shape" bony frame that decides the ease of passage of the baby's head.

The skull is made up of flat bones at birth. One in front, (frontal), one at the back (occipital) and a pair, one on either side of right and left sides (parietal). The head (skull) faces serious opposition of passage when it engages with the pelvis. These flat bones have to overlap to reduce the diameter of the skull for easy passage through the pelvis. The process of the bones overlapping one another is termed moulding. Moulding is a necessary evil for delivery. However, when the flat bones over overlap, then the child's brain will be mangled and stillborn will be the end story. Babies who overstay their welcome in the womb are often difficult to deliver because the flat bones after nine months becomes hardened and somewhat unmovable.

The vagina is a hero. Once the head moves through the pelvis, the vagina will put in her best to contain the baby. So, the Odododiodoo (trouble spot) is at the pelvis and not the vagina. However, when the baby's head is super big perhaps in hydrocephalus condition, the vagina has to be "increased".

Increasing the vagina is very simple. The lower end of the vagina is professionally cut towards the anus or the lateral part is cut towards the groin. After delivery, the cut will be sutured and handled as a wound. Increasing the vagina is done to create more space for baby "headmasters" and "headmistresses".

As a kid, I was told that when a woman is going to give birth, all women in the world will contribute a small portion of their vaginas to her. Trust me, I believed it. It's great to be young indeed. You believe everything. Now I know it was a myth.

I'm truly sorry to the vagina for my long ignorance about her fortitude and endurance. To the men, next time you want to scorn a vagina, think twice. You were probably a headmaster. Uh-huh!

Thanks to Obstetrics and Gynaecology and Madam Tengbago for enlightening me so well on the vagina.

  

It won't be a bad initiative instituting a day to celebrate the vagina every year - World's Vagina Day - to extol her virtues.